No one would in their wildest dreams ever assume that they would spend their sons first or second xmas away from him. But, we are having to prepare ourselves for the simple fact that for a second year we wont be seeing our son open any presents, he wont be pulling the xmas tree over, our son wont be eating horrible amounts of chocolate, or being spoilt unreservedly by us and other family members. We wont have one family photo taken with us all in it, we wont all sit around the table as a family. Our family is and always will be broken by the absence of our beautiful baby boy. Christmas is all about children, but how do you celebrate when one of yours is in a place that you can't visit, you can't call, you can't write to them, a place you can't even envisage. What does christmas then become? It becomes a facade, a mask appears, the false smiles come out for the sake of others when all you want to do is hide, sleep and cry so that you don't feel the guilt of enjoying a day with the children you physically have in front of you, the ones you can touch, kiss, cuddle and spoil. My christmas this year should be incredibly happy with the arrival of Finns little sister, but how do you celebrate the arrival of a beautiful little girl, and decorate your baby boys grave for xmas at the same time? How do you appear grateful for the safe arrival of one baby, and yet not question the tragic loss of another. Christmas, put quite simply is just a day now, the same as all others. Filled with guilt, hurt, pain, and aching for a little boy that means so much and is loved a whole lot more. Finn will always be a part of our christmases, but I think we'll always be more with him than here with the traditions. We will do our best to make a christmas for our children that we are able to spend it with but, there will always be a stocking missing, a chair at the table empty, and a cheeky little monkey that will be missed more than anything else in this world. We love you Finn, miss you so much, and wish with all our hearts we could have just one christmas wish. XXXXXXXXXXXX