How can your heart hold so much love and so much pain and yet still doesn't explode with every emotion felt. This christmas has been so lovely with the safe arrival of Finns little sister Maddy, but as lovely as it's been it's also been so much harder than last year without our baby boy here with us. Looking around the house and it's so obvious to me the things that are missing.... A stocking for Finn alongside his sisters and brothers ones. A highchair at the table for xmas dinner, a dishevelled tree where it's been attacked by a toddler, Cards for Finn alongside all of our cards. There are so many gaps it would take me too long to list them all. Maddy was born on the 16th dec, 4 days before Finns due date ( 1 year ago)... The second that Maddy was born I swore that I'd never just kiss her once, I'd always give her a double kiss,... one for her and one for her brother who I know is definitely looking over her. I can't kiss Finn, or hug him, so the closest I'm ever going to get to it is through his baby sister. I've cried more tears this year for Finn not being with us, I ache twice as much for him to be in my arms, If I could go through any amount of pain to bring Finn back here with us I'd offer to double it just to make sure. But, no amount of tears, or aching, or endured pain will allow us to have any christmases with our Son. Time is no healer, time damages and hurts more and more. There is still not a minute that goes by where I don't think of Finn, miss him, love him, and ache for him. Our family is broken, not just at christmas time, but all the time... we're all missing the love, touch and feel of a very very special little boy and there is not a single thing in this world that could or can ever replace him.